• Database flop

    A few weeks back, some entries and some comments vanished off the blog, because there was an issue with the mysql migration. They’ve been recovered, in the form of a database backup, I’m just not sure it’s worth the effort to get extract them and put them back up. It was interesting, because one entry in particular that I was in the process of rewriting was the one that I noticed first as missing. Briefly, I considered the possibility that someone had intentionally removed it. Given the security precautions, that seemed extremely unlikely. Still, it was an interesting sequence of paranoia.

  • Adjusting to Days.

    So, with everything that’s happened at work, I’ll be working day shift for the next while, which actually works really well for me, in theory. It is very different, since I’ve been working the evening shift for at least 9 months now. I’ve gotten used to not having a social life, not being able to attend the weekday game nights, missing the weeknight dinners, etc.

    It’ll mean getting up around 7 am, which means I’ll have time to have breakfast with Gram. Getting off at 6 pm instead of 9 pm, means I’ll be able to have dinner with her more often.

    In the mornings and in the evenings, I’ll be taking the bus during rush hour, which I’m not really a fan of. So far, it hasn’t been too bad, and I’ll probably be fine, since I’m before Brentwood, which is where most of the BCIT students get on, so I should be able to get a seat. I do have the option of just going to the turn around spot, getting the 130 there, where I know I’ll get a seat, and I might do that.

    Mondays, which are the Ink Club thing, which AredBaroness wants me to attend to improve my writing.
    Tuesday, I’ve got the Netrunner thing at Lion’s Pub, downtown. I’d like to get back into playing that.
    Wednesdays, I can’t recall any specific event, possibly Netrunner at Magic Stronghold.
    Thursday, I know there’s a munch some weeks, and there has been one Doomtown event that I’d like to attend.
    Fridays, various things happen. I’ll probably find something to do.
    Saturday, not much should change, though it might be a bit easier to get up. There’s at least one possible game that’ll be taking place on the Saturdays.

    Sunday nights, I won’t be staying up late, but I haven’t been doing that for ages anyways. In the afternoons on Sunday, I will probably try to play some board games.

    This week, on Sunday I’ve booked the Waves from 1 pm – 5 pm for Dark Moon.

    Overall, I think this means I can have a social life again, though I have to be careful about getting enough sleep, since I’ll be needing to be in bed by 10-10:30, to be able to get enough sleep to get up for 7 am. Which means in most cases, I’ll be leaving wherever I am by about 9:30, if not earlier.

    I’m sure there are other things I should add to this list, but that’s what I’ve got for now.

  • Exploded Example, Conflict

    This past weekend, I took a friend with me to Noir.
    It was his first time there though he ran into a few people he knew, mostly from his days in the electronic music scene or from providing medical services at music festivals. Initially, I kept an eye on him, to make sure he was comfortable and in case he had any questions, then I wandered off to be social and deal with the various things.

    At some point, I hooked up the Neon wand, gave him the basics of operating it, and left him running it as a demo station. That seemed quite entertaining for him. At one point, while I was electrified, Ira, our photographer, patted me on the shoulder, didn’t notice the zap, and so I gave him a quick zap after. I probably should have checked with him before that, but at the time, I didn’t think of it.

    Around 2 am, we hopped in the car and headed over to pick up the Van, so we’d be able to move all the furniture out of the venue. I made the mistake of parking it where I’d planned to park it, on the ramp, rather than leaving it around the side until we were actually ready to load out. I had to move it twice before I gave up on having it on the ramp. Lesson learned for next time. Though I still say we can probably just use the smaller van and pack it higher, which means we can actually drive down the damn ramp and into the parkade.

    After that, we unloaded in the locker, packed it to the ceiling, and headed out to the after party, at the House of Ravens, were we provided a bit more of the electrical play demos. Including to people who had said they were scared of electricity prior. So that was a decent accomplishment.

    When things had settled down, we brewed up a pot of coffee and sat in the living room, discussing the evening and various other things. At that point, he told me that one of the women he’d been talking to, had had an issue with me, and had been talking about how she wanted to get me kicked out of the club or banned from it, for being creepy. Apparently, I had a habit of approaching her, not talking to her, talking to whoever she’d been talking to, and then walking away, and she was bothered by this. At least that’s what I understood the problem to be. I may have missed certain details.

    I can’t comment specifically on previous events, as I can’t recall them with any clarity. I do know that that night, I approached Ian to check on him, saw that he was talking to someone I didn’t recognize, tried to place the face, and then moved on to attend to other things.

    When he mentioned who it was, and how I knew her, it made a bit more sense. She’s someone who has had an issue with me since a disagreement a few years back. Probably sometime roughly 6 years ago, I think, though I’m not actually sure now that I try to recall the details. In any case, she isn’t really someone who crosses my mind; though apparently she still has a strong opinion about me.

    His interpretation of it was that she was being catty. I’m not sure of his reasoning, but I’m sure he’ll comment if he wishes to share them.

    I shared this story with a few other individuals involved with the event, looking to get their opinions. One of them reacted with a “Wow, that’s crazy. Good luck trying to get rid of one of the most useful volunteers.”

    We then proceeded to have a conversation about reputation and the protection it provides. I told him that while I appreciated the fact that he’d doubt her story based on knowing me, I still wanted him to take allegations seriously, because as a community, we need to handle things that way. We need to not allow anyone to be protected by how much they contribute.

    The other person had a similar opinion, but wanted more details. We had a similar conversation about what might have upset this person, and if anything could be done to avoid it in the future. And then we had the conversation that inspires this post, which is how we can ensure that there is a balance between taking allegations not being taken seriously, and allegations being used as a weapon, or if that balance is even possible, if a different approach is required to ensure that things are handled in the best and safest manner possible.

    So, if the allegations had been more than just bitterness, and she had actually complained to someone in earnest how would they have been handled? Would the fact that I contributed to the event have been a factor? Would the fact that I have a decent collection of people who would vouch for me be a factor? On one hand, it probably should have some tempering of the concerns, but at the same time, just because I’m not a problem with those people, doesn’t mean I’m not a problem for her.

    Would the allegations have been more serious if they were about different level of violation? Probably but how does that scale function.

    The timeline should be a factor probably, since time can change a recollection of events, and people do change over time. But to what extent.

    What is the appropriate method for dealing with someone you have hostilities with in the community, especially if they’ve embedded themselves into an event?

    Ideally, we don’t want people to be able to use the fact that they contribute to events to be able to use that as a shield that allows them to violate people. Abusers should not be tolerated, no matter how connected they are. And while the idea of accusing someone of something is abhorrent, it isn’t unheard of. It seems to be more common in the kink community than false rape allegations in the vanilla community, but that might just be my impression of it.

    Part of that could be the gradients that are available in the kinky community, and how the accuser will be perceived. In the vanilla community, there is still a considerable amount of sex negativity that the accuser will be branded with, which may be less prominent in the kink community.

    Update : The friend who had mentioned this whole conversation to me clarified things. It wasn’t the girl who wanted me banned, but her friend, who I don’t know that I’ve ever met. So that renders the discussion rather pointless, except for the sake of discussing how to handle such circumstances.

  • Weekend update.

    So, I’m sitting here, on my “long” weekend, doing nothing much, waiting for the clocks to align so I can proceed. I’m going to be heading down to OV soon to pick up the Van, taking it to the lock up, loading it up with furniture, and then driving that down into a back alley, where people in tattered clothing will drag it down underneath a building and arrange it into a configuration. Afterwards, I’ll return the van where I got it, head home, relax for a bit, then eventually make my way down to said building, be social for a bit, then climb into a tiny car to cross a bridge to fetch the large van again, to repeat said process in reverse. Then I’ll potentially go be social some more, or more likely, go home and rest.

    After that, I’ll in theory gather people to play some board games, but more likely nobody will show up. So, I’ll probably manage to play some of the new Mad Max game, which should be entertaining. Or maybe I’ll play something else, or do some more writing.

    I’m a bit frustrated right now, over various things. One of those things is the Vancouver Zombiewalk. Yesterday, I once again went into work to avoid attending the event. It was a good thing I did, because a few of the things that came up where things that the weekend staff should probably be able to handle, but haven’t been trained for. Well, I wasn’t really trained for them either, but I managed to figure them out at some point, so I can handle them.

    Apparently Zombiewalk went well for the most part; with a few complaints. I could rant about why the whole frustrates me, but then I’d be ranting about contributions and the difference between community focus and ego stroking. The whole thing would just be kinda asinine of me.

    I’m a bit frustrated about my dating life, or lack of thereof. I attempt to communicate with people, but it seems like I’m on the wrong page with most people.

  • Removal of toxins.

    Orphaned by choice. Today, I’ve added the majority of my family to the block list on my phone. If they want to contact me, they can reach me through email.

    The obvious exception is Gram.

    I’ve done this because my interactions with my family have been a negative experience for me for nearly as long as I can remember. There have been benefits, mostly financial, but there have also been detriments mostly to my emotional state and mental health.

    They’re in the final stages of moving to Squamish, swapping their living arrangements around. Prior to this, my sister was living as a tenant in my parent’s house, and maintaining it for them while they snowbirded. Now, the house will be hers, and they will be her tenants, when they’re back in Canada.

    This arrangement creates a nice buffer. Gram is local, every one else is at least one bridge away.

    You may recall I had been looking into heading to Toronto for a while. I had some concerns about not being local for Gram, and this has magnified those concerns.

    There is plenty more of this on my mind, but it’ll take me a while to express it.

    I feel like if I vent, it’ll be seen as whining & whinging. That by expressing my emotions, I’m somehow being immature about things, despite the fact that the ability to process emotions constructively is sign of maturity.

    My parents tend to tell me to grow up, but they have a very odd definition of what being grown up means, I think.

    I don’t really understand their values, when I reflect on them. At some point in my development, I rebelled, probably for the usual reasons, and that somehow changed things. Somehow, the post rebellion reconciliation never really solidified. There were attempts at it over the years, which were partially successful, but it was never sustained long enough to develop a permanence. It would get disrupted and pulled apart. Like a shattered bone, never being given enough time to fuse properly, or an object d’art being impatiently restored, with not enough time for the adhesive to harden.

    The biggest reason for this is perspective and values. They are so far apart that communication is difficult. What is seen by one side as a minor imposition is a herculean task by the other side, at times. In other instances, both sides will see something as a favour to the other, and then be annoyed at the lack of gratitude.

    This lack of common framework, is the source of many of the communication issues.

  • The DKIS Problem

    The DKIS Problem a shorthand term for pair of competency related issues known as the Dunning-Kruger Effect and Impostor Syndrome. In simplest terms, a lack of perspective means that people will misjudge their abilities, with less introspective individuals judging themselves superior, while same time, more introspective individuals will judge that the tasks were simple. This leads to doubt that they have any additional competence, feeling that they are in fact impostors for any credit that they are given for their skills.

    Mainly this comes from the fact that the better you get at something, the more you understand all the nuances required to do the job properly and all the little things that can go wrong. These are things that a person not experienced in the task would overlook and potentially underestimate. Instead of understanding the task, they’d relate it to a task that they do with ease, and in the process they would not only draw false parallels, but they’d have also likely forgotten the time spent developing those skills to the point where they became effortless.

    I suspect that there is also a variant of this for physical appearance, where people will judge themselves, at their average, based on the appearance of others at their best, especially in this post Photoshop era. Thus people who would be of better than average attractiveness consider themselves to be of below average.

    In any case, I was wondering what the implications of this were for the various communities that I’m involved in, and some examples of it are glaringly obvious. There’s a particular GM who comes to mind, who is at best average in his ability to tell a compelling story, most of his plots are remixes of other stories, without much in the way of unique takes. But as this individual is not overly introspective, he won’t realize the limitations of his creations.

    On the other hand, another GM I can think of, underestimates himself, despite being one of the best GMs that I’ve ever sat down with. He is annoyed by the fact that he needs to refer to the audio logs to recover details from a side plot that occurred during one of the previous 6+ hour sessions, usually a week or two prior.

    In the BDSM community, the same pattern is likely there. I can think of a variety of individuals who consider themselves to be competent or skilled at things, only to have the general consensus being that they inflate their competence. Though in those situations, it is mostly attributed to ego, rather than a flawed thought process.

    Conversely, there are some who are extremely skilled at a certain task, but through practice it has become rote for them, and thus they don’t feel that it is worthy of the praise that they receive for it.

    The balancing act between confidence in something and crushing doubt, made more difficult by the inability accurately judge the difficulty of a task, coupled with the inability to discern the biases of external arbiters; it is daunting. And many would question the value in having that structure in your head in the first place. Why convert the idea into a mental construct, rather than just trusting your gut?

    Without some external points of reference, you can’t have accurate perspective, and I think that’s dangerous. Too many knocks on the head from misjudging the height of things to think otherwise.

  • The thing about Tesla

    So, someone on my facebook feed posted something about Telsa recently, specifically about the likelihood of the claims of his technology being “snake oil”, and exaggerated over the years. Obviously part of the reason for this is the PR engine that changed the story, both for the positive and the negative, because of the conflict between Telsa and Edison. Add in the whole Pulp culture mad science and the Eco friendly rhetoric, and you end up with quite a tangled history.

    Supposedly, Telsa was celibate, and possibly even asexual. I wonder if it is possible that he existed in  a state of what they refer to as Kenjataimu, the state of post-orgasmic clarity. The mental freedom that comes from not being driven by sex is an interesting one. For a while at least, one has the ability to be far more objective than would otherwise be the case. But it fades away with relative swiftness, often faster than the related refractory period. This makes this state of being, hard, if not impossible to maintain.

    If someone were to exist in that state, especially if it was one that was created not out of trauma, then their ability to create could potentially be as great as the various fictional accounts of Tesla’s brilliance.

  • Writing Session X4Z5P6

    Garth and I are sitting here, having a beer, watching Youtube and doing some writing. We just watched the Suicide Squad trailer, and I was reminded of a previous script that I’d intended to put together ages back.

    So, the final lines in the trailer, are Joker saying, “I’m not going to kill you, I just want to hurt you.” And while that’s a cute idea, it doesn’t really suit me.

    I had an old script idea about the serial killer collective, brought together by social media and blackmail, dragged into a contest, where they split into teams, film their kills and then screen them for the other members, before releasing them unto the internet as darknet torrents. It’s not a bad idea, and I should do some work on it again some day.

    Anyways, the Joker line reminded me of something with a Shadowrun flavour, someone who “didn’t plan to kill you, didn’t really want to hurt you, but needed to upgrade you.” He had criteria for his victims, and he upgraded them, installing his own attempts at cybernetics into them.

    And part way through the story, he’ll find someone else who believes in upgrading people, who will join him, and give him access to new ways to upgrade people.

    (Garth Spencer):
    Something like this has occurred to me, although the story idea hasn’t quite gelled. Start with the philosophical issue: we are not, yet, entirely adapted to being “intelligent” beings. I put the word in quotes because whether we are really a thinking, rational species has yet to be proven; in fact it’s a lot easier to prove we are irrational, and fundamentally a believing, even superstitious species.

    Considering the challenges we face to survival, someone who decided to play god with humans might well decide to upgrade us. Mentally. Biologically. Or, at least, with cyborg implants, for proof of concepts.

    Item: thinking ahead. Have you ever suspected that engineers and industrial investors suffer from an extraordinary level of suboptimal planning? Even, an extraordinary aversion to thinking through the consequences of half-assed industrial processes? And now we have a universal level of toxins and industrial effluents in seawater and water supplies, and marine garbage patches the size of Australia. Plural. (Isn’t anybody going to capitalize on this? Where’s the IPO?)

    Item: social perception. You know and I know and your maiden aunt’s little doggie knows that there are pretty inconsistent and irrational inputs to everyone’s education, especially the unconscious education about how to read people or succeed in business or battle the international threat represented by the underground worldwide Cult of Kali, and its famous fronts the NRA, and ISIS, and the Conservative Party of Canada.  (I say nothing about the U.S. Republican Party, nothing at all!)

    Item: Why are almost all the elected representatives or candidates for elective office THAT WE HEAR ABOUT unqualified for running a Sunday school class? Because they’re almost all fronts for the Belgian conspiracy to achieve worldwide domination? (Today, Europe; tomorrow … ?)

    Item: If I’m so smart, why ain’t I rich and famous and basking in the love of fair women, plural?

    Answer: because I haven’t sat down and written everything I can. That answers everything.

    (/Garth Spencer)

    And that’s the commentary from Murderhobo.Club’s first guest writer.

  • I’ve lost an touchstone.

    I was less than 20 when I moved out of my parent’s place. Before that I’d moved from the upper floor, where everyone lived, down in the basement, probably when I was still in elementary. So I’ve been moving away from my parents for probably about two-thirds of my life now.

    Still, I’ve used that address as my home address for the majority of my life. It would have been 3rd grade when we moved into that house. And now it has been sold. That link to my past, will cease to be.

    I’m not sure how I feel about that. In recent years, I’ve always been fairly uncomfortable when I’ve been over there. Partially because of the renovations that had taken place, and partially because of the somewhat strained relationship I’ve had with my family.

    Since I link this to my facebook, my grandmother will likely read it, and she’d rather I not go into too much detail about my relationship with my family. She sees that as airing dirty laundry.

    On one hand, I can see her point; on the other hand, this is my place for catharsis. This is a place where I can put my thoughts into order and perhaps untangle some of the knots that formed inside my mind.

    Without saying too much, I can say that the relationship is perceived differently by all parties involved, there is very little agreement regarding common structure. This is somewhat magnified by the fact that the personalities involved are all fairly strong.

    As a stew, it doesn’t work, too much conflict in the flavors. Perhaps it works better if spread out more, and mixed with something to cleanse the palate. I suppose that’s where my brother-in-law comes in.

  • This weekend was brutal

    So, weekends, they’re a time to relax from the stress of the 40+ hour work week; Down time.

    This weekend, not so much. I was asked to dogsit for my parents, since everyone was out of town. Then I was told that the dogsitting also included taking the dogs for a 2 hour walk, during the open house that they’re having. Their neighborhood, isn’t really fun to take walks in; too many hills. Moreover, this walk needed to happen between 2pm and 4pm, which meant that there was a distinct lack of shade.

    Anyways, add to that the fact that this was a Noir weekend, and Reive was in a car accident on Thursday, in which his truck was totaled. So, my bailing, which might have been possible, became a rather bad idea.

    So, Friday, after work, I headed over there to check on the dogs. I found out that the amenities I expected to find, weren’t there. The apple TV had been removed, along with my brother in law’s playstation. All packed up for this move. So much for getting in some gaming time over the weekend. Not that I really had much time for it, as it turned out.

    Of course the Noir setup and the Open House were both going to happen in the afternoon. We managed to move it to a bit later, so I’d have some time to get there. Of course my parent’s place, being the suburbs, isn’t really good for transit, and Noir isn’t back at Chapel Arts yet, since it’s still being renovated. So my usual 30 minute trip down to help with setup became a 90 minute trip down to help with setup. After which, I needed to get back to their place to let the dogs out and put them to bed, so they wouldn’t be a problem. I grabbed a Modo car, so I could head down to the event, but the Modo coverage in my parent’s area is pretty bad, so instead of the usual 15 minute walk back from returning the car, it was closer to 30 minutes. And of course in the morning, the dogs wanted to wake me up for breakfast.

    At least this time, they didn’t bark at random strangers. Oh, and waking up on Sunday morning, I noticed my legs were sore. I’m  not sure what happened, it might have been the walk back from the Modo, or the walk to Robert Burnaby park, or sleeping funny, or something. Either way, I was limping around today.

    So, rather than taking the dogs for the walk, I got a ride back over to my place, with KW, who was there with Sara, who’d been over helping prep the house for the open house, on both days. So, I got the dogs over. I’d been thinking I’d take them for a shorter walk in the flatter area, but my legs were still giving me grief, and I find out that there’s been a bit of a screw up with the whole tear down for the event. So, I grab a bit of rest, make sure the dogs are fine in the backyard, and head down to the event. Only a 45 minute commute this time, not too bad.

    Get the vehicle, get down there, get into the underground lot, find out that it wasn’t just a volunteer shortage, it was a volunteer absence. Staff only, excluding myself, two of which are nearly crippled from recent events; though maybe I am staff at this point. Anyways, it wasn’t as bad as I expected, we managed to fit all of it into the one load; though it was pretty tight. Had we disabled the cross, we might not have been able to fit it in. Of course we couldn’t do that, because the socket wrench had magically gone missing. That’ll be a job for another day. And likely won’t I won’t be able to help with, since I’ll be at work til 9pm every day.

    So, we finished that up by 8pm, got home by 9pm, found out that the dogs are still tied up in the back yard. Original plan was for my sister to pick them up around 6pm or so, but issues on the Sea to Sky highway prevented that. She just showed up a few minutes ago, and managed to accidentally illustrate why Gram has been so opposed to letting the dogs stay over at her place, when Mr G ran up the stairs after Jay, into the house, at a speed which would have knocked over someone who was having balance issues. At least it was G, who doesn’t shed much. If it had been the other one, there would have been tufts of dog hair around the house to clean up also.

    Oh, and I’ve got an odd lump on my back, which seems a bit large for a mosquito bit, and I’ve noticed a bit of numbness/tingling in my fingers, which is not a good thing. I suspect I’ll be much better after a good night sleep in my own bed; which is next on the agenda.

    (TL;DR: I had a rough weekend, and I need some downtime.)