The alcohol and late night triggered a serotonin drop, which resulted in SSRI withdrawal syndrome. That’s why I’ve nausea and dry mouth, to go with the previous heavy sweating I’d been experiencing.
I’m currently suffering paresthesias, a strange tingling feeling down the sides of my face.
My mood is good, overall. Aside from feeling sick to my stomach, I’m relaxed and somewhat hopeful.
I am badly written; I am a construct of logic warped and twisted around to meet goals that serve not the requirements of the flesh that contains them. I do not pursue the course that would be more profitable to me, I do not take the course that would logically lead towards rewards. Instead I stubbornly take the course to get answers and truths, despite knowing that I’ll cut myself, for there is no sharper knife than the honed truth.
The final Noir was rather crowded. To the point of being uncomfortable. The end happened, so everyone and their mule needed to be there. There was a line down past the dessert shop. A friend of mine was in line for about two hours, waiting to get in.
It was a proper send off, a proper end to a chapter. Reive worked his ass off tonight, keeping all the balls in the air, and hopefully he’ll enjoy his well deserved rest.
Tomorrow is the last Noir, an event run by friends of mine. An event I’ve helped out with for a year or more at this point. It’ll be music and people, in a concrete bunker. Some aspects of it I’m sure I’ll enjoy, like spending time with friends and the music. On the other hand, it’ll be loud, and I’ll likely have the same feeling of not fitting in that I’ve had for ages now.
Sure, I have a solid understanding of bdsm, kink, fetish, etc, but beyond mentoring, I haven’t engaged in any of it in ages. I have attended things, but not engaged in them. I’ve literally moved furniture more often than I’ve used it.
That’s my contribution to the community, a community that I’m only vestigially a part of at this point.
I’m sure there are reasons that I’ve failed to connect with anyone in recent years, not the least of which being my growing insecurity with toxic masculinity, something that causes me great discomfort and leads to me double thinking my flirting, to the point where it often doesn’t happen.
I have internalized that the majority of people I meet will not be interested in me, for various reasons. Some of those reasons are perhaps a tad shallow, while others are written deeper into the soul; the validity of the reasons are not mine to question. I can merely accept them and avoid making people uncomfortable, by treating them as people, regardless of any possible interest in them, since the odds are good it won’t be mutual.
None of this is really new material. I’ve said it all before. I’m cranky because my skill set goes to waste, because of all the various factors. A few appreciate my skills, mostly from a far. I’m cranky because I see individuals who are less qualified in a variety of ways leveraging other traits into chances that they appear to fail to appreciate. Or more significantly, that they fail to respect.
Alas, sour grapes and further alienation. Further disconnected from a community that I have consistently attempted to be a part of.
Hero Lab and the Hero Lab logo are Registered Trademarks of LWD Technology, Inc. Free download at http://www.wolflair.com
Shadowrun © 2005-2015 The Topps Company, Inc. All rights reserved. Shadowrun is a registered trademark of The Topps Company, Inc.
So, a few weeks back, I got a renewal of my prescription for cipralex. But I misplaced it. So I never bothered to refill it, and when I got down to a handful of pills left, I lowered my dosage, so I wouldn’t be going off them cold turkey. I believe I’m starting to feel the effects of no longer being on them, but its hard to be sure. My tolerance for incompetence, rudeness and general disrespect have gone down a fair bit. In theory, I should notice other emotional responses, but at the moment I haven’t really encountered them.
I may take a few sick days to assist with finding my equilibrium, and I may need to find a new job, as I suspect I won’t have the fortitude to continue to ignore some of the things I’ve been ignoring for the past however long.
I forget how long I’ve been on these for. Certainly long enough that there are people who only know who I as who I became after I began taking them. Those individuals may be surprised at who I’ll have become when I come out the other side on this one.
I didn’t care enough to make the effort to find the paper to renew the prescription. That’s a surprisingly clear reason to get off them, in my opinion.
Arthur – created with Hero Lab®
Arthur
METATYPE: HUMAN
B 2, A 4, R 4, S 2, W 5, L 6/8, I 4, C 3, ESS 6, EDG 4, M 6
Condition Monitor (P/S): 9 / 11
Armor: 8
Limits: Physical 4, Mental 11, Social 6
Physical Initiative: 8+1D6
Astral Initiative: 8+3D6
Active Skills: Acting Group 1, Arcana 1, Assensing 3, Astral Combat 1, Athletics Group 1, Conjuring Group 3, Counterspelling 4, Enchanting Group 1, Influence Group 1, Perception 3, Pistols 1, Ritual Spellcasting 2, Spellcasting 6, Stealth Group 1
Knowledge Skills: Classical Music 2, Gambling 2, Grey Markets 2, Magical Bounties 3, Magical Security 4, Magical Theory 4, Seattle Gangs 3
Languages: English N
Qualities: Allergy, Common (Mild): Soy, Hawk Eye, Hermetic Magician, Prototype Transhuman: Allergy, Common (Mild): Soy, Uncanny Healer
Spells: Control Thoughts, Detect Enemies, Extended, Improved Invisibility, Increase Reflexes, Lightning Bolt, Mind Probe, Mindnet Extended
Rituals: Watcher
Augmentations:
Cerebral Booster (Prototype) (2) w/ Prototype Transhuman
Damage Compensators (Prototype) (4) w/ Prototype Transhuman
Mnemonic Enhancer (Prototype) (2) w/ Prototype Transhuman
Gear:
Actioneer Business Clothes
Astral Space Preservation Society (ASPS) x12
FTL Quark w/ Modify the Firewall Attribute: Data Processing
Stun Dongle w/ Internal Battery
James Sanderson w/ Fake License: Mage (4), Fake SIN (4), (1 month) Middle Lifestyle
Percival w/ Fake SIN (1)
Weapons:
Stun Dongle [Club, Reach 1, Acc 4, DV 9S(e), AP -5] w/ Internal Battery
Contacts:
Dimestore (Connection 5, Loyalty 2)
Henry (Connection 3, Loyalty 2)
Jason (Connection 3, Loyalty 2)
Starting ¥: 1,500 + (4D6 × 100)¥
Hero Lab and the Hero Lab logo are Registered Trademarks of LWD Technology, Inc. Free download at http://www.wolflair.com
Shadowrun © 2005-2015 The Topps Company, Inc. All rights reserved. Shadowrun is a registered trademark of The Topps Company, Inc.
Well, we’ve got Fluffles the Troll, being built for Ian. We’ve got a black mage for Lori. Kylie has an elf killer, and Chris has a second story man.
My character feels a little unfinished. I feel like I need to rebuild him. Right now, he’s a powerful mage, but it feels like he’s lacking motives.
So, next time I have a lack of motivation to learn a new game, rather than looking on Netflix, we’ll put on Until Dawn or Contradiction or Her Story. Video driven games that work well with an audience.
Eldritch wood is used in the construction of a ventriloquist’s dummy. Decades later, the puppet soaks up a puddle of blood.
The murderer begins to hear voices during his act. Disturbing voices. They urge dark deeds.
A few murders later, he is surprised when his arm is paralysed during his act. He numbly feels something gnawing into his flesh from the wood.
The worms inside his skin flex and rearrange his face into a smile, ready for his next audience.