MurderHobo.Club

Category: Kink

Related to the Kink community, or kinky ideas.

  • linked

    “It’s kinda like a clock, if a clock told you when you happened to be, rather than when it was.”

    “Sorry, what?” I looked at him, my brow furrowed. My lips moving slightly as I repeated the phrase.

    “You’ve been wondering about it. Among other secrets. This is probably the easiest to share.” He held the chain between both hands, and extended on hand towards me. The end he extended had the roughest links, from what I could see. “This end, this is the beginning, so it makes sense to start here.”

    He shifted his body, bringing the other hand towards me, showing me the end of the chain where the links weren’t all metal. At least one of them appeared to be some sort of plastic. “This end, this is now.”

    “I’m not following.”

    “No, it isn’t in your nature. I think it might be what I like about you. Anyone else, in this situation, they’d’ve had expectations.”

    “Expectations?” I cocked an eyebrow at this. “Are we getting some crossed signals here? I get that you don’t have the same hang ups and bullshit about gender that I do, but I didn’t you’d think we were going that way.”

    He laughed, warm and wide. “No, that wasn’t where I was going. Though I don’t see why you’re so opposed to it. I can’t understand why you would fear intimacy so much. Especially after that long alone, and this long together.”

    I shook my head, smiling back at him. “I don’t see together the way you do. And it wasn’t that long.”

    “The time you were alone, or the time…”

    “The time alone.” My voice felt flat and heavy, memories trying to push their way back into the forefront. Closing my eyes, I focused and forced them back. “And the time since, it’s been nice. But I don’t see how we’d fit.”

    “That, I could show you. But this path wasn’t the one I intended to wander down. I wasn’t looking at the future, I was trying to share the past.” As he said it, he extended the chain towards me, the rougher end again. Sliding his hand back towards the middle, he stopped on a particular link. “This one, was the first one, part of chains that bound me. My first time being taken. They’d come for me one night, too many to fight. Pinned down, they’d shackled me. It was a dark night.”

    “Why would they?” I think my eyes went wide at his words.

    “Do the reasons really matter? It was long ago, they’ve long since turned to dust. They aren’t even memories any more, outside my own skull.”

    “That’s a little dark. Somehow appropriate though.”

    “Only you…” He studied my face, his expression a mix of confusion and annoyance. Granite, before it broke into something softer.

    “Yea, I think we covered that,” a deep breath in, puffing out my chest. “Only me. Exclusively me, in all your travels, able to actually put up with you and your…” there was a pause. “quirks.”

    A deep sigh, the rolling of his eyes. “This link, was from those shackles. These ones below it, came from later.” He slid his hands further down the chain. Finding a particular joint, he rubbed it between his fingers. “Around here, is where I got lost.”

    “Aren’t you always lost? Isn’t that how this whole thing started?”

    “A different kind of lost. This was when time wasn’t, at least not for me.”

    “Time wasn’t? The hell kind of phrase is that? What, you mean you lost track of it?”

    “I think in a way, it lost track of me. It started with something I mistook for madness, initially. The days didn’t follow each other. I was seeing things leap forward, randomly. Friends told me I’d disappeared for days at a time.”

    “Alright.” A long pause. “Assuming I’m following you on this, how do you know it wasn’t madness, or memory loss, or something simple like that.”

    “The only way I could know. One day, shit went wrong, I lost someone I cared about. And then the next day, it was before they’d died. And then as I tried to reach them, I bounced through their life. Mostly living days I hadn’t lived with them the first time. A few times, I saw myself, and later saw myself again, watching me.”

    “So what you’re saying is, in addition to being basically immortal, you’re also a time traveler.”

    “Yes. Well, I wasn’t then, but I became one eventually.”

    “And the chain?”

    “The chain is the anchor that lets me pull myself through the river. Each link, tied to a certain time. Linked to others forged then. I can feel them hum when they’re near, so I know when I’ve gotten to.”

    “And this the easy secret, is it?” Looking him dead in the eye.

    “One of them. And it does give context for the rest.”

    “Yeah, I suppose it makes it easier to explain things if I understand that time, a major feature of linear storytelling, won’t really apply.”

    He just laughed at that.

  • The Patrician’s Oubliette

    A few months back, I killed my fetlife account, ceased being active in the community, and basically put that aspect of my life on the backburner, including dating.

    There were a few things that caused this, one factor was my continued discomfort with the toxic masculine behavior I kept seeing online.  The final straw though, was lack of reaction from the community to an act I considered to be unforgivably wrong by someone else in the community.

    Last weekend, a local promoter called me, because he thought he needed a last minute favor. I agreed, showed up, helped with things. Didn’t attend the event, just helped with the setup. I thought about, but decided against it.

    Later in the week, I helped with the load out, showing up with the van to move the gear. On the way back, we had a conversation about the event and various things. Some of it reminded me of what I’ve been missing about the community.

    So, I’m trying to figure out how to go about it. How to reactivate my account, how to reconnect with people, get myself out there again. In the meantime, I’m focusing on my health goals in the background.

    I’m still having the same issue with dating that I was having before. It’s hard to explain, but basically it boils down to this. There are plenty of aggressive and abrasive assholes out there, hitting on women, both within the community and in the general online community. It bothers me, though it’s hard for me to articulate exactly how and why, beyond the simple “Treat expletive-ing people with respect, they’re people, expletive for brains.”

    I don’t know how to stand out from that crowd, when I’m uncomfortable enough wading into that cesspool in the first place. Mostly what I do well, is writing. The problem is, writing isn’t really something people appreciate these days, as people tend to TL; DR most of it.

    My brain keeps bouncing off a brick wall when I try to figure out how to best express what I am. Especially since I keep feeling like I need to distance myself from the toxic ideals that I keep seeing. I don’t know how to explain that part, though perhaps by saying I’m not suffering from “Nice Guy Syndrome”, but at the same time, I’m generally a nice guy.

    Right! This is an issue of semiotics; specifically shorthand, expectations and frames of reference.

  • Skipped the party.

    I can move things, but I’ve no reason to try to be part of things. I’m not what belongs there anymore.

    I’ve grown off in a strange direction, somehow.

    I’m in a poorly tailored meatsuit, one that is falling apart from neglect.

    I’ve no desire to expose myself to my past. The regrets would likely carve a chunk from my chest.

    Disjointed and malformed thoughts. Hindsight forsaken for fear of clarity and painful truth.

    Friendships have felt strangely empty. I’m out of phase, so the handshake is fragmentary.

  • Returns…

    So, tonight I’m headed back to Club 23. Now known as Hindenburg. It was a place I spent more than a few nights over the years. Some good times, some rough times.

    I’m going to be working it, moving furniture, helping with getting an event up and running. For a community that I’m not sure I’m part of anymore.

    I am fond of the people who have asked for my help, which is why I’m doing it. I’m just unclear if I’ll fit into things these days.

    I killed my fetlife account, after a promoter who used to work at this club posted a link to something I’d written and tagged my real name on the post.

    I’m wondering if I should bring back the account.

    I’m wondering quite a few things these days.

    I’m dealing with the diabetes, though I lack the equipment to really understand the effectiveness. Though that’ll change soon. Next month, I get my diabetes daycare classes.

     

  • After parties and aftermath.

    The final Noir was rather crowded. To the point of being uncomfortable. The end happened, so everyone and their mule needed to be there. There was a line down past the dessert shop. A friend of mine was in line for about two hours, waiting to get in.

    It was a proper send off, a proper end to a chapter. Reive worked his ass off tonight, keeping all the balls in the air, and hopefully he’ll enjoy his well deserved rest.

  • Anticipation of alienation

    Tomorrow is the last Noir, an event run by friends of mine. An event I’ve helped out with for a year or more at this point. It’ll be music and people, in a concrete bunker. Some aspects of it I’m sure I’ll enjoy, like spending time with friends and the music. On the other hand, it’ll be loud, and I’ll likely have the same feeling of not fitting in that I’ve had for ages now.

    Sure, I have a solid understanding of bdsm, kink, fetish, etc, but beyond mentoring, I haven’t engaged in any of it in ages. I have attended things, but not engaged in them. I’ve literally moved furniture more often than I’ve used it.

    That’s my contribution to the community, a community that I’m only vestigially a part of at this point.

    I’m sure there are reasons that I’ve failed to connect with anyone in recent years, not the least of which being my growing insecurity with toxic masculinity, something that causes me great discomfort and leads to me double thinking my flirting, to the point where it often doesn’t happen.

    I have internalized that the majority of people I meet will not be interested in me, for various reasons. Some of those reasons are perhaps a tad shallow, while others are written deeper into the soul; the validity of the reasons are not mine to question. I can merely accept them and avoid making people uncomfortable, by treating them as people, regardless of any possible interest in them, since the odds are good it won’t be mutual.

    None of this is really new material. I’ve said it all before. I’m cranky because my skill set goes to waste, because of all the various factors. A few appreciate my skills, mostly from a far. I’m cranky because I see individuals who are less qualified in a variety of ways leveraging other traits into chances that they appear to fail to appreciate. Or more significantly, that they fail to respect.

    Alas, sour grapes and further alienation. Further disconnected from a community that I have consistently attempted to be a part of.

  • Outings and such, part two.

    I got a message this morning from my mother. She’d been able to see the thread that I had previously mentioned.  She’s aware that I’m involved in the kink community, so this wasn’t a shock to her. Had the situation been different, that could have been rather stressful. For many people, what I’ve just described is a nightmare scenario, and is one of the reasons people have cited that they aren’t willing to stand up for their beliefs in the community. I had been aware of the possibility, since horror stories of outing as a weapon have existed as long as I’ve been a member of the community.

    Based on his writings, he doesn’t feel he has outed me, since I was already out. Well, I have always thought that an individual should get some discretion over how out they are, and if you aren’t sure, you should probably ask them. That generally works better when you have respect for the person that you are arguing with. I don’t know that this applies here.

    I had just two days ago said I was no longer going to be sanitizing these posts for any given audience, but I’ve already had demands that I change details of what I’ve written. And)
    I’m finding myself choosing my words carefully, since it seems like whatever is said will be taken in a manner other than the manner in which it is written.

    I suspect that I’m not aware of the emotional flavour that I layer into my writing. I was unaware that my distrust of this individual would be so clear as to taint what I felt was a neutral statement of “at one point, I actively recommend (this event), back when I attended, these were the reasons I recommended it back then. I no longer attend for personal reasons, so I can no longer recommend it, as I lack the required information.”

    Apparently, if you have a perceived past bias, people assume you mean more with your words when you say, even when you don’t even care enough anymore to hold an opinion.

    I was already burnt out and planning to leave the community. I had promised I’d help with one last party. Now, I’m not even sure I’ll bother with that. I’ve been told people want me to attend, but given the vitriol about me, I’m feeling unwelcome.

    I’ve been battling feelings of alienation for a long time now, and I think I’ve reached the end of my ability to cope with that.

    I suspect if helping my grandmother to maintain her independence wasn’t an absolute priority, I’d likely be a suicide risk.

  • Outing and Such.

    Well, originally today’s post was possibly going to be my grumbling about the difference between short term skills and long term skills, with regards to relationships, and to BDSM in particular, and how mistaking short term skills for long term can lead to a fair bit of trouble. Or possibly about the whole community charity moving thing that I’ve been working on, since apparently I haven’t done enough to promote it.

    Instead, it’s going to be about paranoia and vendettas, and outing people. I wrote something on Fetlife about how I no longer recommend Sin City to people. At one point in time, it was in my newbie guide, as a good starter event. Since I no longer attend the event, I no longer recommend it. I’ve no knowledge of how the event is run these days, or the competence of the current staff, just that the people I’d have trusted to handle things are no longer involved.

    This was taken as an attack by the event host, who proceeded to post on his page about my attacking his event. This wouldn’t be too bad, except he decided to use my actual name. I’ve a personal policy that I try to keep my Fetlife and my Facebook somewhat separate. I don’t post anything kinky with the world privacy setting, only the friend’s only setting. This is because I have a belief that one good way for Facebook to make money would be to charge companies for Social Media checks. And if not Facebook themselves, there are plenty of other individuals who could provide that service. So, I’d prefer to keep these things separate.

    Isaac ignored that. I don’t think he understood why what he did was a problem, which is part of why I have said I don’t feel he is part of the kink community, just someone who profits from it.

    I attempted to defend myself in post, but he has decided to block me. Personally I find blocking people to be a cheap trick. I prefer to have the conversation. If my opinion isn’t strong enough to stand up against opposition, I should reconsider it and the thought process that led to it. I understand some people don’t agree with that, and prefer to limit the dissenting voices that they are exposed to. I understand it, I just don’t really respect it, unless it’s for medical reasons.

    Currently his cult is making personal attacks against me, which I suppose allows him to keep his hands clean.

  • 2016 approaches.

    Starting the year off with the end of Noir. Probably my last kink event for the foreseeable future.

    While I enjoy spending time with some of the people in the community and have the wisdom to might come in handy for some people, I seem to be lacking in some aspects that seem to be required.

    Aspects of bdsm are still something that I think will probably need in my relationships in the long term, but I suspect it’ll be something of a slower developmental nature. Though currently my thought is that at some point I became a type of person who doesn’t interest others, perhaps in part because they subconsciously they feel rejected by how insular I’ve become.

    In the meantime, I can be found on steam, and local gaming events.

  • Exploded Example, Conflict

    This past weekend, I took a friend with me to Noir.
    It was his first time there though he ran into a few people he knew, mostly from his days in the electronic music scene or from providing medical services at music festivals. Initially, I kept an eye on him, to make sure he was comfortable and in case he had any questions, then I wandered off to be social and deal with the various things.

    At some point, I hooked up the Neon wand, gave him the basics of operating it, and left him running it as a demo station. That seemed quite entertaining for him. At one point, while I was electrified, Ira, our photographer, patted me on the shoulder, didn’t notice the zap, and so I gave him a quick zap after. I probably should have checked with him before that, but at the time, I didn’t think of it.

    Around 2 am, we hopped in the car and headed over to pick up the Van, so we’d be able to move all the furniture out of the venue. I made the mistake of parking it where I’d planned to park it, on the ramp, rather than leaving it around the side until we were actually ready to load out. I had to move it twice before I gave up on having it on the ramp. Lesson learned for next time. Though I still say we can probably just use the smaller van and pack it higher, which means we can actually drive down the damn ramp and into the parkade.

    After that, we unloaded in the locker, packed it to the ceiling, and headed out to the after party, at the House of Ravens, were we provided a bit more of the electrical play demos. Including to people who had said they were scared of electricity prior. So that was a decent accomplishment.

    When things had settled down, we brewed up a pot of coffee and sat in the living room, discussing the evening and various other things. At that point, he told me that one of the women he’d been talking to, had had an issue with me, and had been talking about how she wanted to get me kicked out of the club or banned from it, for being creepy. Apparently, I had a habit of approaching her, not talking to her, talking to whoever she’d been talking to, and then walking away, and she was bothered by this. At least that’s what I understood the problem to be. I may have missed certain details.

    I can’t comment specifically on previous events, as I can’t recall them with any clarity. I do know that that night, I approached Ian to check on him, saw that he was talking to someone I didn’t recognize, tried to place the face, and then moved on to attend to other things.

    When he mentioned who it was, and how I knew her, it made a bit more sense. She’s someone who has had an issue with me since a disagreement a few years back. Probably sometime roughly 6 years ago, I think, though I’m not actually sure now that I try to recall the details. In any case, she isn’t really someone who crosses my mind; though apparently she still has a strong opinion about me.

    His interpretation of it was that she was being catty. I’m not sure of his reasoning, but I’m sure he’ll comment if he wishes to share them.

    I shared this story with a few other individuals involved with the event, looking to get their opinions. One of them reacted with a “Wow, that’s crazy. Good luck trying to get rid of one of the most useful volunteers.”

    We then proceeded to have a conversation about reputation and the protection it provides. I told him that while I appreciated the fact that he’d doubt her story based on knowing me, I still wanted him to take allegations seriously, because as a community, we need to handle things that way. We need to not allow anyone to be protected by how much they contribute.

    The other person had a similar opinion, but wanted more details. We had a similar conversation about what might have upset this person, and if anything could be done to avoid it in the future. And then we had the conversation that inspires this post, which is how we can ensure that there is a balance between taking allegations not being taken seriously, and allegations being used as a weapon, or if that balance is even possible, if a different approach is required to ensure that things are handled in the best and safest manner possible.

    So, if the allegations had been more than just bitterness, and she had actually complained to someone in earnest how would they have been handled? Would the fact that I contributed to the event have been a factor? Would the fact that I have a decent collection of people who would vouch for me be a factor? On one hand, it probably should have some tempering of the concerns, but at the same time, just because I’m not a problem with those people, doesn’t mean I’m not a problem for her.

    Would the allegations have been more serious if they were about different level of violation? Probably but how does that scale function.

    The timeline should be a factor probably, since time can change a recollection of events, and people do change over time. But to what extent.

    What is the appropriate method for dealing with someone you have hostilities with in the community, especially if they’ve embedded themselves into an event?

    Ideally, we don’t want people to be able to use the fact that they contribute to events to be able to use that as a shield that allows them to violate people. Abusers should not be tolerated, no matter how connected they are. And while the idea of accusing someone of something is abhorrent, it isn’t unheard of. It seems to be more common in the kink community than false rape allegations in the vanilla community, but that might just be my impression of it.

    Part of that could be the gradients that are available in the kinky community, and how the accuser will be perceived. In the vanilla community, there is still a considerable amount of sex negativity that the accuser will be branded with, which may be less prominent in the kink community.

    Update : The friend who had mentioned this whole conversation to me clarified things. It wasn’t the girl who wanted me banned, but her friend, who I don’t know that I’ve ever met. So that renders the discussion rather pointless, except for the sake of discussing how to handle such circumstances.