Category: Kink

Related to the Kink community, or kinky ideas.

  • The DKIS Problem

    The DKIS Problem a shorthand term for pair of competency related issues known as the Dunning-Kruger Effect and Impostor Syndrome. In simplest terms, a lack of perspective means that people will misjudge their abilities, with less introspective individuals judging themselves superior, while same time, more introspective individuals will judge that the tasks were simple. This leads to doubt that they have any additional competence, feeling that they are in fact impostors for any credit that they are given for their skills.

    Mainly this comes from the fact that the better you get at something, the more you understand all the nuances required to do the job properly and all the little things that can go wrong. These are things that a person not experienced in the task would overlook and potentially underestimate. Instead of understanding the task, they’d relate it to a task that they do with ease, and in the process they would not only draw false parallels, but they’d have also likely forgotten the time spent developing those skills to the point where they became effortless.

    I suspect that there is also a variant of this for physical appearance, where people will judge themselves, at their average, based on the appearance of others at their best, especially in this post Photoshop era. Thus people who would be of better than average attractiveness consider themselves to be of below average.

    In any case, I was wondering what the implications of this were for the various communities that I’m involved in, and some examples of it are glaringly obvious. There’s a particular GM who comes to mind, who is at best average in his ability to tell a compelling story, most of his plots are remixes of other stories, without much in the way of unique takes. But as this individual is not overly introspective, he won’t realize the limitations of his creations.

    On the other hand, another GM I can think of, underestimates himself, despite being one of the best GMs that I’ve ever sat down with. He is annoyed by the fact that he needs to refer to the audio logs to recover details from a side plot that occurred during one of the previous 6+ hour sessions, usually a week or two prior.

    In the BDSM community, the same pattern is likely there. I can think of a variety of individuals who consider themselves to be competent or skilled at things, only to have the general consensus being that they inflate their competence. Though in those situations, it is mostly attributed to ego, rather than a flawed thought process.

    Conversely, there are some who are extremely skilled at a certain task, but through practice it has become rote for them, and thus they don’t feel that it is worthy of the praise that they receive for it.

    The balancing act between confidence in something and crushing doubt, made more difficult by the inability accurately judge the difficulty of a task, coupled with the inability to discern the biases of external arbiters; it is daunting. And many would question the value in having that structure in your head in the first place. Why convert the idea into a mental construct, rather than just trusting your gut?

    Without some external points of reference, you can’t have accurate perspective, and I think that’s dangerous. Too many knocks on the head from misjudging the height of things to think otherwise.

  • Laughing Buddha’s Sexting App

    It was Laughing Buddha who started it all. He wrote the original code, built the wrapper, and hooked in the APIs. And he did it with such subtlety that even though people expected the malware, they didn’t have a clue what it did. They figure it was harmless, just a bit of market research, some bullshit targeted advertising, but overall, nothing dangerous. Too bad little Laughing Buddha had other plans.

    Near as anyone can figure, he’s some sort of satirist, but believes in educating people through, well, I guess the best description would be painful lessons.

    The product was simple, a customized android keyboard that was designed with predictive sexting. It came complete with an anatomic slang dictionary, a simile generator, a pretty sweet random act module, and the ability to keep track of people’s preferences and give you a percentile odds on how they’d react to your message before you sent it.

    Needless to say, it was a hit. Everyone downloaded it. And then the big boys got involved and removed it from the App stores. The made it impossible to load it legitimately. You’d need to side-load it. But hey, that really just made it more popular.

    Of course the danger of side-loading something, or loading it on a rooted phone is that whatever you’re loading, it isn’t locked up in the sandbox anymore. It’s got more access. Especially if it’s carrying some heavy duty hooks that allow it to start tearing apart the security permissions, prying into all the little secrets that people keep on their phones. And these days, their phone is where everyone keeps their secrets.

    As the infection spread through the system, it opened up a VPN tunnel back to the source, linking into various APIs, sharing the data. And what would this information be used for, you might be wondering? Well, it was pumped into a dating site and the associated chat app.

    Initially, nobody really noticed the integration. It just looked like a bit of synergy between a two companies with a nice market overlap. Until she showed up.

    She was a corruption of an existing virtual assistant. And now she was planning dates for people. And insisting they go on them. In some cases, she manage to do this with subtlety, planning the dates, so each party thought the other had asked them. Orchestrating things like a puppet master, she picked the locations, made the reservations, bought the tickets, arranged everything, graciously and effortlessly, the perfect digital assistant.

    And as long as you went along with her plan, you didn’t realize that behind her smile, there was a nasty set of fangs. It took a long time for the first reports to come out. There were a few rumours, of dates not being what was planned, or match ups not being what the person thought they’d been agreeing to. Then, a couple of night’s after valentine’s day, a video went wideband. Uploaded onto youtube and various filesharing sites, the person behind it wanted it shared. The man told his story, of how the app had blackmailed him with the nude pics it had collected of him, sending him on dates with people it thought he’d like.

    He was the first, and after his story got out there, plenty of other people started posting their version. All variations on the same thing. They’d been told to cooperate or the photos they’d been sending with the app would be sent to their family members.

    Eventually, someone managed to start taking apart the code, and get at the real brains behind it. It was there, a really clever little piece of code. Get into people’s lives, get as much information about them as possible, make some lives better, if they deserved it, and make some lives worse, if they deserved it. At least that’s how the mind inside the machine saw things. People who’d been mean, small-minded, bigoted, closeted, hateful or otherwise objectionable, they were given all sorts of fun at the hands of the app. People it thought had been sincere, it had tried to find the right partner for.

    In the end, nobody did figure out who Laughing Buddha was, or why he’d wasted such a powerful piece of code on something so frivolous. If he’d wanted to do real damage with it, he could have. He could have robbed people blind, destroyed lives, caused suicides, and far worse; instead he just embarrassed a few people.

  • Scencest – practical or paranoid?

    Many years ago, when asked why I didn’t date a particular girl, I used the term scencest to explain my discomfort with dating someone inside a small and insular community. Too many crossing paths, too many common friends, or worse too many common ex’s.

    The BDSM community has grown a bit since then, but I find I still have that discomfort. How does one get over it, or it it healthy to maintain it?

    I suppose it doesn’t help that plenty of the guys in my community tend to crowd around the attractive newbies, which tends to scare them off and that just makes the problem worse.

    When a couple breaks up, odds are good that the male will stick around, and the female will either leave or get a ton of messages.

    I’m old, grumpy and bitter, I’ll admit. But how much of this problem is in my head, and how much is what you also see?

  • 33 M4f – looking for someone who appreciates me.

    I think I’m pretty awesome, but I’m having trouble finding someone who agrees and I have chemistry with. It seems that either we have chemistry and they hate me, or we are fond of each other but it isn’t anything more.

    My fear of being a toxic misogynistic asshole has led to me double thinking my flirting & generally just being too damn disengaged to connect with someone.

    My job keeps me busy til 9 pm on weekdays, so I’ve had trouble meeting people at the casual events.

    Even then, I’ve been involved in BDSM and the local Goth scene for a decade and a half, but I hate dating within the community. The whole scencest dynamic and drama… It doesn’t work for me.

    So I look for someone who suits me in other places. I tend to find people who fit me in random places. IRC channels, MUDs, volunteering, here on reddit, etc. It has been a while since I’ve found anyone, so I’m trying something different.

    I spend too much time online, either on my laptop or my phone. I do far more writing on my phone than I should. Including writing this. Lately I’ve noticed that I don’t really have anyone I’m taking to. It would be nice to have someone to talk to.

    I spend a decent amount of time on my own, mostly listening to podcasts, because listening to people having interesting conversations is my best substitute for having interesting conversations with people. Horror show Hot Dog, Slaughterhouse Princess, the Giant Bombcast, the Dice Tower, the Secret Cabal, Apropos of Nothing, to name a few.

    Oh right, I should focus on the BDSM bits… I am into BDSM because I have a tendency to lead, and that works better in the BDSM community than in the rest of the world, or at least that is my terribly misguided assumption. I also like the clarity that comes from proper negotiations. Oh and I’m a bit of a sadist.

  • Characters

    I’m thinking I should put together a page that lists the various characters who appear in this list, separating those who exist from those who don’t and providing as much or as little real world context for them as they feel comfortable with.

    This was motivated by aRedBaroness joining the board games and DerBlob having a handle that I am having a hard time associating with him.

    So, if you want to volunteer your context, let me know.

    Dimestore is our shadowrun GM, a regular board gamer, a scholar and a gentleman.

    John Duggan, when he appears in the blog, is a fictional interpretation of a real person, who I never spend much time with. Less of a scholar, but no less a gentleman than Dimestore, he has serious obligations that tend to interfere with board gaming.

    Reive Doig has been a figure in the Vancouver kink scene for a few decades now. He’s something of a pioneer, with a passion for community building and education. He is part of the team behind Noir and Erotic Vancouver, which I help with. He tends to have too much on his plate at any given time.

    aRedbaroness and I have known each other for years, since I dated one of her friends. While that ended with a bit of a flat note, the friendship has remained. We’ve recently started to collaborate on some projects, as we both have a strong focus on the written word.

    mogdoll, the henchmuffin, is a great minion.

    I’m sure there are more and more details will be added, but this was what came out of my head on the ride to work.

  • Social Media Pattern Extraction.

    This morning, twitter once again suggested I follow a person who I dislike. While I haven’t seen any direct evidence that this individual is abusive and violates boundaries, I’ve seen plenty of secondary evidence, including accounts from individuals. It bothers me that because this individual has friends in common with me on twitter, or has some sort of social media profile similar to my own, twitter thinks I should connect with them.

    Then I started pondering something that was said the other day on a podcast, regarding Klout Score. IIRC, it was the Giant Beastcast, talking about hotel room upgrades based on Klout score, after a conversation about Uber drivers and their ratings systems. I sent them a tweet, suggesting that they read Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom, by Cory Doctorow.  I know I’ve mentioned in my past writings about this book, and about the Whuffie system, a social currency that we seem to be drifting ever closer to. I wondered if there was a social media pattern to abusers that could be detected.

    In the past I’ve stated that looking at someone’s fetlife friend’s list can provide you with some potential insight into their social position, intentions and perhaps even their character. I’ve stated that I tend to distrust people who have friends that fall entirely into one category, especially if the cruder among us would describe that category as “prey”. If I were better at extracting and processing data, or programming, I’d attempt to see if there was a pattern recognition system that could be developed, to provide some sort of background alarm for this sort of thing. Sadly, the only person I know who was working on this sort of thing has a tendency to alienating people and making their work unpalatable to others.  (LS – DAUR)

    In other news, I have started playing Ingress again. The weather is nice, so I’ll be other there walking about more.

  • Summoning

    There was trouble nearby, so I went to save the day.

    Summoned by the cries of a damsel in distress.

    An outcast, who has been banned from a few events, is being creeperly to a newbie. And someone who I’d brought the hammer down on, called me for backup, mostly subconsciously.

    I’d been in bed, reading, getting ready to sleep, but duty calls. So, I get up, throw my clothing back on and I’m out the door.

    I get there, and I take up a position to keep an eye on things, and check in with the girl who summoned me. She provides details while we observe.

    No negotiations, hardly any discussions… It is not a good start.

    His technique is … Just sad.
    The need for control is there. Too desperate, too needy.

    The newbie seems into it, her more experienced friend seems concerned.

    Roughly an hour passes, and #translack has ceased being an option. I tell the friend that it’s time head out, and this manages to get the newbie ready to go.

    We head out the back way, walk north to the Co-op car. Along the way, the two of them talk, and the newbie’s attitude quickly changes. She goes from being happy with the activity to regretting it. How much of that is caused by her friend’s disapproval is unclear, how much is caused from coming out of the scene, who knows. It reminds me that there are too many possibilities.

    On one hand, this fellow has been banned from a couple of events; on the other hand, I’ve said a few times that I distrust promoters because there are several of them who I don’t think would be welcome at events, unless they were running their own event. It’s a complicated subject.

    Either way, it’s a 20 minute drive to get them back someplace safe, then another 30 back to my place.

    An hour driving, an hour at the thing. At least two hours past when I’d planned to sleep.

    Why do I do these things? What part of me is broken so I’m compelled to do so?

     

  • Scheduling issues.

    So, I thought I had a shift tonight and so I showed up at the office at 2:30, only to find all the desks were taken. But, we’ve had busy evenings lately, so they figure I might as well stick around. After about an hour, the morning shift clears out and I get my desk back. Not long after that, one of the regular night shift guys finds himself developing a migraine. So, it worked out. I finished a full Friday shift, and headed home.

    I’ve got Sunday booked off for recovery after helping with the Noir Setup and Teardown. I’m hoping that my friend doesn’t bail on our Saturday night plans, as currently I’m going to require her assistance to get back from parking lot after I drop off the van. The vehicles for this time lined up in the wrong ways, which has complicated things. Worst case, I’ll get creative.

    Or get some late night exercise in.

    At some point on Saturday and maybe Sunday, I’d like to get some gaming in. Possibly some solo LotR on Saturday morning.

    I still need to play Dead of Winter at some point, but it needs 3-5 people.

  • Upcoming events from Rascal’s Club.

    Last year, I met up with Gem from Rascal’s club after Taboo to talk about her upcoming events. The Ms. Rascal’s Pageant and their Kinky Camping. Both were great events, and this morning I met with Gem over coffee to discuss her plans for this year. Well, that and to catch up on all the latest news from the various corners of the community. One of the topics were got talking about was Markus and his VR Porn company, MetaVerseXXX.

    The change we had discussed last year, where the Ms. Rascal’s Pageant will include a Mr. Rascal’s title, has come to pass. But more on that over on Erotic Vancouver.

  • The Society of the Ethical Top

    Over the years I’ve heard my share of horror stories about the BDSM community. Many of the events that become the stories are probably avoidable though education and negotiation. An aspect that is often neglected in that regard is mediation; an attempt to discover how things went wrong and grow from them. In some cases, meditation won’t improve matters, as the intent behind the violation was harmful. In most cases however the intent to harm isn’t present; but misunderstanding can result in demonization as an attempt to rationalise the harm felt. Overlooking this can result in both division and gossip, something that can actually create a smokescreen within which the real predators can hide.

    In order to promote this harm reductive approach, it was proposed that we develop a code of conduct and encourage those so inclined to join a collective dedicated to that end. A society for ethical tops. While I think I’d prefer a term with a different connotation, something closer to brotherhood, I dislike the assumed gender bias that might come with that term. Members across the gender spectrum would be welcome, and of the various orientations, with the caveat that the organisation is limiting its scope to the actions while responsible for others. A different group would be more suited for the oversight of the actions of the other party.

    A suggested code of conduct:

    Always obtain informed consent.
    Negotiate all potential activities prior to playing. This includes aftercare.
    Never renegotiate when consent cannot be obtained.
    Admit your mistakes, attempt to resolve them in reasonable fashion.
    Do not misrepresent yourself or your skills.
    Do not allow style to countermand substance.
    Cease play when a safeword is used, ensure others do also.
    Ensure that your partner is properly monitored whenever they are in an altered state.
    You are responsible for your own mental state, take reasonable precautions.
    Do not intentionally or deliberately cause unwanted damage, be it mental, physical or emotional.
    Inform your partner when you have concerns.
    Ensure your partner always has a method of communicating with you.