Category: Musings

Recently, I began taking steps to change some things in my life. It’s unclear what all I plan to change, but I believe that I’d like to have more options. One way to get those options is to remove the obligations I’ve got. So I began searching for someone who could pick up the slack, if I decided to retreat into the shadows.

I’ve done the front and centre thing, and at some point in the last few years, when I reflected on how I was coming across, I decided to tone things down a bit, and that’s resulted in my coming across more serious. Beyond that, I’ve also become less likely to connect with people. I’m not entirely sure of the source, but I seem to be far more reserved in some respects than I was in the past.

In any case, when I’ve said I’m going to fade into the shadows, I don’t mean I’m going cross the eternal veil, I mean something far more mundane. There has been some concern over my mental health, and as far as I can tell, my mental state is functional but drained. I need to find more things that envigorate me, though I’ve no clear idea how to do that.

I suppose the writing helps sometimes, as I go from being distracted and unfocused to a state of sharpness. Though that state is still lacking something.

I know many people have turned to music for this envigoration. Hell, there’s even a playlist function for it on many of the streaming services. The problem is I find music hard to engage with. In many cases, the songs are about something I can’t relate to.

Currently, I’m listening to Repo, the Genetic Opera. It has a certain intensity to it; something I can’t put into words. Other pieces I enjoy are of a similar genre. Reefer Madness, Jesus Christ Superstar, even Wicked.

I’ve gone far afield. I meant to say, I plan to change my life, not to end it. I might wander off in a different direction, but I don’t plan on closing any doors or burning any bridges. I tend to save the burning for those who’ve earned it, and it’s usually my preference to let them light their own pyres.

I have trouble dealing with passive aggressive or deceptive individuals. If I get told something second hand, whether or not I accept it as the truth depends on various factors, but if I find out that it was manipulation, and someone attempts the same play again, it’ll irk me. In theory it should anger me, but it doesn’t.

It instead creates a certain comfort; establishing a pattern. And since they’ve established a pattern; they’ve given me something I could use against them, should things escalate to that level. It then becomes a question of what response is appropriate. In many cases, while there is a temptation for confrontation, it is wiser to consider the how to diffuse the impact of the their manipulation, or to fold that energy back into a new direction.

If they’ve lied to you, they’ve lied to others; a subtle knowing word, something that’ll speed up their understanding of the situation, without tipping your hand too much. That seems a wise course of action.

If the lie has created friction with others, as it did in the original example that I am deconstructing, then the obvious first step is to accept your failure, admit your foolishness, and offer apology to those who were on the wrong side of your misguided actions.

For many, that step is a difficult one, but it is an important one. You have to admit and acknowledge the problems your actions created, without passing the blame back to the original source of the mistake. You can acknowledge that you were mislead, but you must own your actions. After that, reparations, repairs, and generally learning from it.

At that point, you have earned the ability to be honest with others about the manipulation, and in so doing, create exposure for the deceiver. This must be done in the right manner, as done wrong it will harm you more than the one who misled you.

While there is always the option of confrontation to bring about change, through conflict, rendering your adversary impotent is often wiser.

In some cases, when the person has established themselves, or has established a cult of personality, this can be difficult, and perhaps nigh impossible. Still, patience and solidity should endure over the slippery tongue.

I’ve entered into a phase of high productivity, insomnia and mild mania.

I’m unclear as to the catalyst to this state. I’ve no illusions that I understand how to maintain it, no solid predictions on the duration or the potential aftermath.

I notice I’ve become less detail oriented, more absentminded, but for now this is compensated for by the drive forward. Momentum over precision.

Forget a required piece for this step? Work around it. Hit a wall on one project? Bash head into wall until cracks appear or something shiny interrupts. Chase the shiny.

I’m suffering from some serious gremlins lately. The mail server at the office had issues, google thought I was in China, my cellphone just decided to crash and go into a state where it wouldn’t boot, and other tech has been acting up. Oh, and that nice ADSL outage and ERX server issue the other day.

I’d blame a technomancer, but I haven’t seen any evidence of resonance.

Working in Tech support, I’m supposed to deal with other people’s technical inabilities, not be suffering from my own unexplained ones. Well, at least I’ve got the training to make them work again without bothering someone about it.

It’s Monday, the start of another work week. I’ll be working til 9pm every night this week, so that limits what I can plan.

I’ve got my #30for30 going on, so I’ll need to be getting in at least 30 minutes of exercise every day. That means a walk every day before I head to work, preferably before I shower, so I’m not offending my coworkers.

I’m thinking I might try for more, during the evening, after I have my dinner, since I haven’t done night walks in a while, and I kinda miss that peacefulness.

I’d like to get some Shadowrun planned for the weekend, but it seems unlikely. But that’s up to Dimestore; though I guess I could try to have a character building session without him.

I’ve been craving some board games lately, so I’m thinking I’ll set up either Mage Knight or Robinson Crusoe on the downstairs table and leave it up and running as a solo game. Could also do this with Eldritch Horror or some of the other Co-op games. Maybe the Pandemic dice game. Though Robinson Crusoe and Mage Knight are considered the most challenging and engaging in this category.

On an unrelated note, my scars are itchy recently. Mostly the ones from my Gallbladder surgery a few years back. No idea why.

My attempts to write something for EV have been kinda blah lately. I should get inspired to write something, but I’m a bit lacking in inspiration.

Same goes for my attempt to write fiction, though I have a recurring character rattling around in my head. A journalist with a mysterious curse that ensures that he’ll always awaken to the sounds of conflict. He’s adopted the nickname Warzone, since that’s where he keeps ending up. The problem is, I don’t see how to fit him into anything.