Category: Musings

Rambling thoughts

  • disrupted

    Apparently I pressed the wrong button and failed to save about a page of writing that I’d just typed up.

    I wrote that I had a pretty quiet weekend. I helped with Noir’s setup and teardown, though I didn’t attend the event. I wasn’t really up for socializing in a loud place. I also skipped the socializing at Starlit citadel’s open house on Saturday, though I don’t have a good reason for that.

    Got home around midmorning, and mid-afternoon I got a text from someone asking me to help with some community drama. I also found out that my plans with Dimestore, which had been postponed, were officially cancelled.
    I was asked to take sides in an argument that I didn’t have the details of, so I tried to just squash the jerks and leave the rest of it for later. At some point, I’d like to talk to the people who have a clue, so I know what the logical next step is.
    Tomorrow, I’ve got to get up early for an ultrasound, checking on my liver.

  • Raspberry Pi

    So, I’m definitely thinking about buying a Raspberry PI.
    They’re pretty cheap, pretty interesting to work on, and surprisingly powerful now.
    Also tiny. 85.60mm x 56mm x 21mm.
    I’ll need to build/find a case for it. I’m not sure what to do with it after that.

  • Medication

    I started wondering tonight if the maturity and social awkwardness of the last few years is the result of growth or the result of the cipralex that I’ve been taking as a mood stabilizer.

    Prior to taking the cipralex, I was having issues with stress and a bit of anxiety. At least I think that it was the reasoning at the time. As usual, I’m a bit fuzzy on the exact motivations of something that happened  a while back.

    I know I had experienced a few panic attacks, when I’d come up the stairs at night and didn’t hear anything.  Those still happen from time to time.

    I know I also had a few periods where I’d get angry for no rational reason. That definitely helped tip the scales towards taking the pills.

  • Sunny morning.

    On my way to work on a nice sunny day. I’ve got an hour til I start, and about 15 minutes worth of travel time on my current route. So, that’s 45 minutes to wander and enjoy the sunshine.
    Tomorrow I’ve got a work lunch, which will be nice. Friday I’ve got the day off since I booked time off to help Reive with the Noir setup down at the Astoria. Instead I’ll be working the Sunday.

    Saturday, I’d intended to attend the Netrunner pub tournament, but if I’m helping with Noir until at least 4am, I don’t think I’ll be able to run the nets at 11am. Just not enough sleep to pull that off.

    Then 4 days of work straight, before sailing off to gottacon. Thursday I’ll have free to be social before we head out Friday morning.

  • Predatory Behaviors discussion

    Recently on Jezebel, there was an article about a Male Feminist being accused of rape. I brought the topic up with Reive, as something Erotic Vancouver should address. The biggest problem is, currently EV is a bit lacking in active female writers.

    We recently added 2ndNature, though I think she’s still getting stuff sorted out. We were also adding Moon Dancer, though I’m unclear when she’s going to have the time to write, as she tends to have a busy life.

    So, I approached a couple of other females from the kink community, for their opinions. We’ve got a few of them interested in a round table discussion on the topic. I think we’ll get a good discussion out of it. Mostly I’ll just be facilitating and taking notes, since I think our readers would prefer that we avoid mansplaining this issue.

    The topic that I want to look is just predatory behavior in the community in general.

    For me, the biggest flag about some male feminists, is the camouflage aspect of it. The article refers to it as Macktivism, a portmanteau of Macking and Activism, and it is described as a dating strategy. I see it as a predator trying to find ways to hide by disguising themselves something harmless. For various reasons, that really bothers me.

  • Underground

    Sitting in an underground parkade, outside something that can best be described as a rave. Reminds me of a similar parties ages ago. I’m trying to have some deep thoughts, but the surface tension seems pretty solid. Just skipping stones across the surface at this point.

  • Hatchets

    The other night, while reflecting on the past, I was reminded of my role as the hatchet man lurking in the shadows of the community. That’s a thought that requires some explanation. I don’t know that I can pinpoint when it started or how, but I do have an understanding of why it came about.

    It is open to interpretation whether my compulsion to make decisions that are unprofitable but morally satisfying is a result of moral fibre or self hatred combined with an inferiority complex.

    It’s also possible that I’m just addicted to the self satisfaction of taking the moral high ground, or at least playing at being a hero.

    The fact that I’ve developed the assumption of that the fact that I’m an outcast and unwanted; and yet still around, means I’m basically untouchable. Nothing anyone can say about me can force me further from the people who know me. They’ve accepted my flaws and my baggage, for their own reasons. I don’t see that changing without activity on my part. Unless I change what I am, the bargain remains, and so I remain.

    That frees me up to be honest, to say the words that others might decide to swallow. I can be bluntly honest, since it can’t damage my reputation.

    And these elements key off each other, and other elements of my personality. I observe things that I could probably ignore, and I find it hard to keep myself from getting involved. From trying to make things better, because a part of me remembers the way things were for me, and how making things better would have meant so much, of when it did mean something to me.

    In any case, I get told things or I see things, and the pieces get put together. I build a little diorama and flesh it out. The players all get dressed up in the appropriate hats.

    And then I have a obligation, so I go try to do the right thing, look the fool, feel like the hero, and maybe accomplish something in the process.  Though usually all that does is to create enough doubt that the conscience of the person actually resolves the damn issue.

    Resolution is resolution, and results is results, so people tell you more stories and you try again. The process is cyclical and ephemeral, but it works well enough that people who want to believe in it will keep believing in it. That’s the way all faiths function.

    Then again, sometimes I actually accomplish things through sheer blunt force; bashing my skull into the wall until I come out the other side.

  • Navel Gazing.

    Last time I checked out iCandy, I was in a strange mood. I sat in a dark corner entertaining people with the neon wand and typed up an article on my phone, something that was technically against the rules of the club. This time, I’m in the same corner, but I’ve brought along a laptop and so my ability to type has greatly increased. I’m sure on some level, this is probably against the spirit of the rules, though I doubt anyone has been strange enough to bring a laptop with them to necessitate such rules. But, as always, I am the exception that prompts the rules, or at least the discussion regarding the rules.

    Much of this intro can probably be discarded as irrelevant and pointless, but part of the process is to just develop the content, let the fingers flow across the keys and see what flows out. Sometimes, it’ll be something interesting, and sometimes it’ll be random noise. But there’s something to be said for the RNG. And at least I didn’t pull out the laptop and start playing KoL.

    As a venue, I’m fond of Club 8×6. I still think the sound can be overwhelming at times, especially right now, while the pounding base is making it hard to type. Still, the people on the dance floor seem to be enjoying it. Briefly, I’m remind of the rave from Blade, and raves in general. This place has something of that in it, in it’s own way. The dance floor is less packed than one would expect from a rave, but there’s still a decent crowd enjoying it.

    This particular piece won’t be making it into EV, since I’m currently focused too much on my own navel gazing. More than half the EV staff are here tonight though. Reive is around somewhere, I think. I am pretty sure I saw him earlier, though I haven’t spoken to him. I know our mysterious Editor and her man are around here, I checked in with them earlier. I was reminded that if I’m going to get people to embrace Slack I need to make better use of it myself. Mikey and Dave Toxic are around, I’ve spent a bit of time chatting with both of them. They seem in high spirits, which is good. Mikey is thinking he wants to work on his New Years piece. I suspect the battery on my hotspot will die before then, unless I stop at 7-11 for a cheap USB cord to recharge it.

    Here I am at a party, near the supplies that one could use to write up a name tag, and yet I haven’t bothered to make one for myself. I could put myself out there, with the green card. I could make an effort to signal and communicate non-verbally, my interest in play of various forms. Except that to do that, I’d have to actually be able to put into written word what my interest is. And despite the various fantasies that still exist in my brain, I’m not sure what I’m actually interested in at this point. I’ve interest in things, but I’m not sure I know how to handle the fancy wiring bits to turn the facade into something functional.

    Interestingly enough, so far only two people have commented on the laptop and the fact that I’m sitting here typing away. I’m not sure what that says about our culture, if anything at all.

    Earlier, I was playing a board game, Splendour, with one of the cupids, the on site matchmakers. Nice guy, and he picked up the game fairly quickly. I think it fits in as one of the appropriate games for this sort of venue. It’s simple enough to teach in a few minutes, requires no complicated communication, and the cards and tokens are nicely resilient. The fact that we were playing a board game seemed to draw a considerable amount of attention, with a couple of people watching the majority of the game. Then again, it might have just been the time of night it was, early enough that things were still getting started. Hard to say.

    Nearly 700 words at this point, and only a handful that could be recycled into an article that is actually about this event. I suppose I could consider various approaches and focuses that would actually lead to a real article, but currently I’m not sure I have the fortitude for that. I think my navel gazing will continue for a bit longer.

    Given the article I wrote the other day on consent culture over on EV, I should be making an effort to connect with people and to play. But for whatever reason, I’m uninspired to do that. I think it’s the loud music and the lighting. It doesn’t strike me as a place to develop the rapport that I currently feel that I need. Though that might just be an excuse, a lie I’m telling myself to justify my lack of motivation, and my lack of motivation is probably rooted in my expectation of rejection. Polite rejection, I’m sure, but also inevitable rejection. I’m sure when she reads this, Recklie will roll her eyes, since she’s convinced that I’m the one rejecting connections. Or at least that was what she saw when she was looking through my chat logs the other day.

    Ah, fun. The fellow who triggered that unpleasantness the other night is standing over there. Also, standing across the way is the source of the original unpleasantness, though I’ve no concern about a conversation with him. His ego will protect me from that. The other fellow though, he might try to make conversation, though I suspect he also has other fish on his hot plate.

    Despite the negativity in my current view, I seem to be writing with a certain wit, one that I can’t recall having access too recently. Perhaps I should continue with the Drunken Wormhole project. Though I really need to rename that. It needs a proper title, something that hints at the end game, rather than throwing it out there without the appropriate ceremony.

    It’s funny, I’m feeling like my bubble is being invaded by the people flirting near me. It’s gotten to the point where it’s actively disrupting my ability to write. Damn.

    More later, perhaps.

  • shower thoughts

    While I showered this morning, I thought about who I am and how I communicate. In some ways, I’m a fairly private person, and in others I’m rather open about things. I try to be transparent about things, and that means it’s mostly things that I feel have no ability to harm me. Areas where I feel vulnerable, become fairly obfuscated. They are still there, but I tend to adjust the lighting around them so they’re harder to notice.

    For the most part, these tend to be things that I feel would be “whining” to talk about. I find I’m more about to write about them, because then I’m not actively taking up someone’s time, unless they choose to take the time to read it.

    I don’t recall how much I’ve actually expressed about various things. I know I’ve ranted about them from time to time, but it’s generally been to a fairly limited audience.

    I think I need to work on that. But in the mean time, I suspect I’ll just spend more time writing about it here.

  • Signal to Noise Ratios

    I’ve long been known to rant about my frustration with the modern world in regards to the signal to noise ratios, specifically the frustration I have with the difficulty of recognising craft from dross.

    We are in an era where everyone can have a voice, but most haven’t developed the skills required to recognise when it is wisest to be quiet.

    In various circumstances, that ignorance benefits those who are either playing the odds or who are oblivious to negatives of the reactions they generate. Some individuals are happy to spray forth a stream of generalised inquires, happy with their 1% (or less) response rate, because they are at least getting responses.

    I tend to prefer to craft something personal, taking the time to consider what I can learn about them from what they’ve written and what I think the possible connections could be.

    The problem is, both of those messages appear in the inbox in the same way. While I can do a little to distinguish myself from the horde, the messages will only convey that to someone who is actually looking for it, and most are simply scanning, as it is but one of fifty plus messages that they’ve received since their last log on.

    It is a case of signal to noise. Like using an old analog radio in a crowded space. As you twist the dial, you’ll pick up snatches of content. Sometimes, you’ll find something that interests you, but most of the time you’ll settle on something clear, rather than finding what you really want.